FAQ #29

Question: Do you have any other Martian artifacts that you could share with us? Is there anything in your possession which would indisputably prove the reality of the Martian visitation to Centerboro?
Answer: Well, I did have to do some rummaging about in my attic to find this item dating back to 1955. It was one of the few things the government (?) did not confiscate from my home when they violated my privacy to clean me out of Martian memorabilia.

I believe this to be a plaque or trophy the Martians commissioned to commemorate the May 28, 1955, baseball game between their team and the Tushvillers. My guess is that it was meant to be Mars vs. Tushville plaquesome kind of commendation for a game well-played by the losing Tushville team, but the translation of the inscription has been lost, if indeed it ever existed at all. For all I know, it might mean "Bite my exoskeleton." There is simply no Rosetta Stone to help us decipher Martian writing other than the Martian handwriting samples I collected, and they simply do not provide enough information to facilitate translations. Also, it appears that the characters on the plaque are of a style quite different from that displayed in Martian handwriting, which makes translation even more difficult, although I suspect that the bottom line which resembles some kind of numerical sequence may possibly be a date.

Piece of the Rhind Papyrus

I also notice an astonishing similarity between the characters on the plaque and those on the Rhind Papyrus (a small portion of which you see above) upon which Ahmes, an Egyptian scribe, presents his formulation for the value of pi around 1650 BCE Is there any significance to this similarity? Got me! I came into possession of the plaque when the contents of Winterpool's Cabinet of Natural, Historical, and Medical Curiosities were auctioned off many years ago, but I have no idea how it wound up there. In my investigations, I learned that the inscription had been done in the jewelry department of the Busy Bee, but that's about all I've been able to find out.


Question: What have you yet to accomplish in your life?
Answer: Here is a chart of some of my more pressing objectives for the next few years, assuming, of course, that I will be around long enough to meet them all and that I will not find better things to do in the meantime.

Target Dates

My Personal Goals
( = "Goal Met or Exceeded" )


  • To demonstrate maximum body-mind health for a man my age by having reached a body mass index of 22 through vigorous exercise at the Centerboro Athletic Club and having memorized the Vice-presidents of the United States in chronological order
  • To repair the gouges made in my roof by the collapse of my discone, omnidirectional antenna
  • To successfully market my new and improved double-strength telepathy skullcaps to those who wish to commune with Martians


  • To master the art of clipping Chloe's toenails so as to avoid further $20.00 vet charges
  • To win my lawsuit against the felon to whom I inadvertently sold a genuine Honus Wagner baseball card for a mere $10.00 at my Spring 2000 Internet Yardsale


  • To track down the Studebaker stolen (yes, stolen!) from me by Herb Garble and to prosecute Herb to the fullest extent of the law
  • To discover the identity of "E.T." who has been pestering me for some time now and obtain a restraining order against her and her unsolicited and unwanted advances, especially the suggestive photographs which arrive at least two or three times a week via e-mail, much to Mrs. Underdunk's consternation (and mine, too, of course)
  • To treat the nice Mormons and Jehovah Witnesses who visit me to a nice cup of tea and a couple of pleasant hours chatting about the Martians and the Great Crustaceanoid


  • To convince Mrs. Underdunk that we ought to get married for economic reasons, since she evidently does not believe in romance at our ages
  • To replace my wooden picket fence with an electrified job capable of administering mild shocks to neighborhood children and other intruding animal pests
  • To have nurtured my new Sea Monkey ® colony to the size of the one that the CHS science department murdered through neglect during my last abduction by Martians


  • To perfect and receive a patent on the "EHA Industries Mostly Painless Nasal and Ear Hair Removal System"
  • To finally have delivered the Centerboro High School commencement address
  • To force my HMO to pay in full for a complete body CAT scan and the subsequent removal of any Martian implants that may be found


  • To secure the return of my diary and journal for the year 1955 from Harvard University or whatever group or institution (e.g., the FBI or the CIA) now possesses them despite my repeated requests that they be returned
  • To appear on a national early morning talk show--for example, Good Morning, America--and be interviewed by an attractive female hostess about my position on the Freddy series
  • To sell off the remaining lots of authentic Martian-shucked peanuts
  • To have sent an agent to the Friends of Freddy 2002 convention and to have determined the exact relationship between the FoF, the Masons, and the Illuminati


  • To receive from the Friends of Freddy their coveted Lifetime Achievement Award (if it exists) and a new computer system (including a decent scanner) which I will need by then to finish my Mr. Eha's Place project
  • To complete a contract with Overlook Press for the republication of my first book, My True Story: The Centerboro Flying Saucer
  • To return to James "Jinx" Bean the sulphide lion marble which I have uneasily possessed for many years after having won it from him on a questionable call in a game of Dead-Eye--that is, if he is still alive


  • To determine the exact whereabouts of Frederick Bean (wretched son of the late William and Martha Bean) so I may pay him a visit
  • With the very same frying pan that was applied to my head by Frederick and his friends, exact my vengeance upon said Frederick should his whereabouts become known to me


  • To make it to 83 having endured no further abductions by Martians, medication overdoses, serious operations, mental impairment, or substantial loss of fortune
  • To play a final accordion concert at the Kennedy Center before my creaking joints preclude the possibility
  • To finish reading Á la Recherche du Temps Perdu
  • To publish the last of the Mr. Eha's Place material and begin my new Internet project, the details of which cannot be revealed at this time owing to sensitive interplanetary considerations

Question: Are you sure you won't have a custom-designed Christmas card this year for those of us on your mailing list? We really enjoyed the Martian Rat-Santas last year.
Answer: Quite sure. However, I am including below a Christmas card for anyone who cares to get one from me. This will prove to be economical for me and will just have to do for those who expect cards and whose noses get out of joint when they do not receive them. I have chosen this particular card because some of my readership have remarked that I bear a resemblance, both physical and temperamental, to Mr. Phineas T. Bluster. Some FoFers will therefore, no doubt, see my choice of cards as yet one more manifestation of my alleged egotism, but I think otherwise. My choice merely reflects my preference for things from the Golden Age of America, long defunct and sadly replaced by shabby and idiotic post-modernist things and ideas. And furthermore, if you have assiduously studied the information on this site's homepage, you realize that I couldn't possibly possess an ego to begin with.

Howdy and Mr. Bluster
Christmast Greetings text


Question: Was there actually a duckpond at the Bean farm? If so, how big was it? Did the Beans actually have ducks, pond or no?
Answer: Yes, there was a duckpond. It was pretty large (I'd estimate about half an acre, if memory serves), and the Beans did indeed raise ducks. Here's a photograph from a Bean album of the pond you hear so much about in the Freddy series. Were this a panoramic view, you'd see the Bean farmyard on the right and the Bean woods on the left, this being a shot looking east toward one of their pastures. Those white objects are domestic ducks, most of which wound up on the Bean dinner table or, freshly plucked, at the farmers' market down near the county fairgrounds on Saturdays. The Beans also sold duck eggs, which are very tasty--much richer in flavor than chicken eggs and much more palatable than goose or turkey eggs--and not very obtainable today, unless, of course, you should be so lucky as to have a farmers' market nearby.

Bean duckpond

Short Answers to Infrequently Asked Questions

There are so few at this time that I will wait to gather a few more and publish them all in FAQ #30.


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