Question: Are there
sites related to the Bean Farm chronicles other than the official Friends of Freddy
page and yours?
Answer: Here's a handful of links for you to check into. There are undoubtedly
many more such Internet sites; however, I leave the rest for you to find
as I have other more important projects on my agenda such as my Y2K Eating Plan,
a scholarly monograph, and walking my doggie. (Note: As
of July 24, 2006, only one of these sites was still active.)
Question: Are you planning
any more contests? Are you ever going to have a prize that isn't a Freddy book
or T-shirt? What about a cash prize?
Answer: I have nothing definite planned right now. I've been thinking of
not having any more contests because of a lack of interest among the all-too-typically
listless Freddyites. I'd poll them on this issue, but I'm sure there would be
no responses. In my last contest, wherein a simple guess was all that was
required, I received exactly one legitimate entry. ONE! Talk about lethargy!
As far as a cash prize--well, I believe I have mentioned that I am on a limited
income (if you don't count the monthly allowance Mrs. U. gives me which must
be used exclusively for our dining out, entertainment, and travel expenses) and
that I have been reduced to working for a large discount chain store. EHA Industries
is operating at a loss right now as well. There will be no cash prizes.
However, I still have my "ruptured liver" ashtray, and I think that might be the
next prize since free Freddy books evidently do not interest the Freddyite
Question: If the Freddy
books were made into a non-animal, non-animated movie, what actors and actresses,
living or dead, would you have play the major characters?
Answer: It makes me shudder to think of a Freddy movie. It makes
me positively shiver to imagine the abominable, increasingly more insipid
sequels. However, your question has stimulated a level of cerebral activity
in me that I cannot ignore--much as one cannot (indeed, must not) ignore
a stabbing pain in a molar for long, so here are my nominations for some of the
Jinx: Soupy Sales or Alan Alda
Minx: Meryl Streep
Charles: Don Knotts
Henrietta: Madeline Kahn or Freda Jackson
Mr. Bean: Buddy Ebsen
Mrs. Bean: Frances Bavier
Uncle Ben: Ed Wynn
Mrs. Wiggins: Patricia Routledge
Hank: Jim Nabors or Tom Poston
Herb: Jack Nicholson
Me: Cary Grant
Mr. Boomschmidt: Zero Mostel
Mr. Camphor: William Powell
Bannister: John Cleese
Mr. Metacarpus: Andy Devine
Jacob: Don Rickles
Leo: Tony Curtis
Old Whibley: Spencer Tracy or Raymond Massey, maybe.
Simon: Robert Mitchum
Wesley: Walter Mathau
Alice and Emma: Josephine Hull and Jean Adair
Freddy: Marlon Brando or Orson Welles--but not
the younger, svelter versions of either
(Don't know who these actors
and actresses are or were? It's probably because you're young! Not that
there's anything wrong with that.) Perhaps this question
would be an interesting line of inquiry at the freddylist. It would be
something to talk about at any rate. Could it possibly spark some
discussion? I doubt it, but it might be worth a try.
Question: Any marriage plans yet?
Answer: Mrs. U. and I still have no plans to wed. We like our arrangement
just the way it is, especially since the little talk there was about it ceased
many years ago.
Question: What about
the mystery of Francine Margarine's disappearance? How did she disappear?
Answer: Well, if we knew how she disappeared, there wouldn't be
a mystery, would there? I will go into the circumstances at a later time.
Or maybe not.
Question: Did Freddy
really have a pilot's license?
Answer: Unfortunately, yes, he got licensed despite crashing Johnny Guild's
trainer. He used his skill to smuggle cigarettes and alcohol across the Canadian
border with ease, taking off and landing in the Bean upper pasture, USA
Short Answers to Infrequently
- Yes, I read The Onion
occasionally. Sometimes it is humorous, and sometimes it is puerile.
- Why "Chloe"? Well, I have
always been an admirer of rustic maidens, and one's dog should have at most
a two-syllable name.
- The Martians destroyed
the Nike missile base near Tushville just before their departure. It was not
dismantled by the U.S. government.
- When Mrs. U. and I go to
Montreal, we stay at the Delta on Sherbrooke Street West. It takes just minutes
to walk to the Jazz Festival activities from there.
- No, I never tried Earth
shoes. Too hideous. I'm sorry you have a warehouse full of them. Perhaps
you could unload them via a church mission if you don't want to simply throw them out.
- This is what Dan
Quayle had to say about Mars: "Mars is essentially in the same orbit... Mars is somewhat
the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where
there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is
oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe." (Vice President Dan Quayle,
nominal world leader, 8/11/89) For more Quaylespeak, go here: The
Dan Quayle Quote Hall of Fame.
Special item: Mr. Dale
Frederickson, history buff and scholar of things Bean, has recently
discovered a very important line of inquiry with respect to the Bean family
history, and I pass it along to you, dear readers, for your thoughtful consideration. Mr.
Frederickson suggests a possible link between the famous Judge Roy Bean and William
Bean. I have begun preliminary investigations at various genealogical archives,
but I have so far been unable to determine with certainty the connection if any.
If only we could judge by appearances alone, it would be manifestly obvious
that there is a genetic bond between Roy and William. Just compare the picture
of Roy Bean sent to me by Mr. Frederickson with the picture of William taken from
a Bean family photo album. Note especially the left eyebrow of each! William--the
real William, not the fictionalized Brooksian version--was born in 1890.
Roy Bean was born in 1823 and had two brothers, Sam and Josh. All of them
moved out West and stayed there. There are many tangled branches in the
Bean family tree, and if I remember, I will let you know what I find as I clamber
around amongst them. However, for now, I consider the fact that the "Hanging Judge"
kept his pet bear Bruno in his courtroom the most compelling evidence for kinship!
What do you think? Is
Roy Bean related to the Centerboro Beans? Judge for yourselves.
(with his pet bear )