Question: I will graduate
from colledge (sic) this May with a degree in business administration.
I would like very much to work for EHA Industries. I'm sure it would be a very (sic)
unique experience. Do you have any openings?
Answer: There are no openings of any kind at present. As you know, EHA Industries
is a rather complex multinational-interplanetary operation. If you obtain an advanced
degree in marketing from, say, the Wharton School or a school of similar quality,
there is a chance that you might be useful to us in the future. Why don't you
contact us then? By the way, you ought to learn to spell before you progress
much further in your "education" or apply to EHA Industries for a job again. And the
word "unique" should never be qualified with the likes of "very."
Question: Everyone I
know says I sound like just you--not physically, of course, but with respect to
content and tone. "Splendid," for example, is a word I frequently use, and I am
rather ironic. Also, if you "de-age" your picture on this site, there is a remarkable
resemblance between us as well. Could I be your child? I know I was adopted.
Answer: It is quite impossible that you could be my child
as I have produced no children. This is something that you must credit
me with being able to discern. Since I have received so many inquiries along these
lines in the past couple of years, it seems an almost inescapable conclusion that
Martians may have cloned you and others from cells taken from me during the mid-1950s
or during one of my periods of missing time since then. If this happened, I guess
you would be more of a twin, in which case you'd better keep a careful eye on
your cholesterol level and your knees.
Question: Your contests
are way too hard. Can't you make them easier so that some of us could have a fair
chance at winning?
Answer: I think you should have begun your whining with "Your contests
are too hard for me," which would be an accurate assessment of their level
of difficulty relative to your own intelligence and problem solving skills
and not relative to the entire human species. I'm sure that as I have revealed
the solutions, most readers, yourself included, might be heard to say, "Of course!
How elementary!" The fact, then, is that the problems I've posed must have been
"elementary " all along, and that all that was required for their solutions
was a bit of lateral thinking (and in the case of Contest 3, a bit of research
and some elementary school arithmetic, too). As far as "fairness" goes, it's simply
not a question of fairness, now is it?
Question: I'd like to
spruce up my personal website. Where do you get all those graphics you use on
your site? How do you learn how to get them into your page?
Answer: The doodads come from various graphics archives on the Internet
. For example, here is a splendid site which will enable you to search for GIF
images: Clip Search.
You'll have to do your own homework to find other types of images and animations
like "See Jinx Run!" It's really not that hard at all. It takes
just a little patience to track down the images you want and then to put them
in your page, and you do get much better at it with experience. Just in case you
are a novice at web publishing, a useful and relatively affordable beginner's
resource for building a site is HTML 4 for the World Wide Web by Elizabeth
Castro. If someone as technologically inept as I am can create a site, so can
anyone! I also use a program called Paint Shop Pro to enhance the quality
of many images you see on Mr. Eha's Place.
Question: What can you
tell us about the old Grimby place?
Answer: The Grimby place was indeed "old," as I discovered when
I looked up its title records at the Oteseraga County Courthouse. While I was
at it, I also found out what I could about the owners by browsing through the
old newspapers they have on microfiche at the library. It is quite a disturbing,
yet morbidly fascinating, history! It all started long ago in the nineteenth century.
Ten acres up in the Big Woods had been cleared and the original house built by
the Andreas Ernst family in the early 1820s. It was sold to Josiah Drebbler in
1839 by the two survivors of the last "encounter" in the Ernst-Habresch feud. Drebbler
simply vanished from the face of the Earth in 1855 leaving his uneaten breakfast
on the table, and the property was sold by his next of kin, his spinster sister
Phoebe, to Erwin Richter the following year. Richter's widow sold it to Ezra Macy
in 1868 when Mr. Richter died of consumption and she could no longer manage
the house and property by herself after being cornered by a bull at a neighbor's
farm. Macy, a lifelong bachelor, drowned in 1889 while fishing in the shallows
at the east end of Oteseraga Lake, and the property passed to Raymond Wilkins
(who hanged himself in the attic in 1901 when he was unable to settle his gambling
debts), Daniel Whibley (who was struck by lightning and electrocuted as he sat
smoking his pipe and whittling on the steps of the front porch in 1923), and then
to Arthur Grimby. When old man Grimby and his wife died of food poisoning (bad
pork, I hear), his children moved to Tushville and made, now and then, a desultory
stab at maintaining the property. Every once in a while they'd have to call the
sheriff to drive off some squatters, hoboes, or Gypsies, and finally they just
abandoned the by-now dilapidated house which remained deserted for a couple of
years until Herb Garble bought it at a tax auction. He was going to tear it down
and build a little cabin retreat for himself up there in the woods, but for some
reason or other known only to Herb, he sold it instead to Simon Rodere. Well,
Herb held the mortgage, which was a mistake. The Roderes wrecked the place and
defaulted on the mortgage. Luckily for Herb, some no-account, trashy relatives
of Mrs. Bean, the Bismuths from Cleveland, bought the place for a pittance from
him, and he was glad to get anything at all for it. Mrs. Bean was mortified to
have the shabby Bismuths living in the Centerboro area. When the Grimby place
burned to the ground (Everyone knows the shady circumstances surrounding
that!), the Bismuths moved in with the Beans, but that's a whole other story.
Mr. Brooks, of course, jumbled the chronology in his books. He has the Bismuths
burning the house and half the Big Woods down in one book (omitting, naturally,
any mention of that damned Freddy's part in it) and then Herb and Rodere
owning the property in the next. Not so. Fran Molecule, the courthouse
clerk, will be happy to help you with the title records in case you'd like to
check the facts for yourself. (Do not comment on her unusual name--her disposition
will change quite suddenly for the worse!)