Question: Where you
at the 1998 Friends of Freddy Convention?
Answer: No, I was not! Let me draw an analogy for you. I am antimatter
to the F.O.F.'s matter. Should I come into actual contact with Freddyites, the
results would be utterly catastrophic! We would all vanish in a blinding flash
of pure energy!
Well, maybe not exactly. But I do believe the Friends of Freddy probably
feel about me what a litter box feels about a cat.
Question: We think that
you are a Martian agent and that this website is another diversion concocted by
the Martians to deflect belief in their existence. We also think that you might
be a Martian yourself, or at least some kind of hybrid, with the power to create
through telepathy the illusion of being a human being. Is this correct? Would
you send us a DNA sample?
Answer: I think that you are out of your blinking minds.
First, if I were a Martian agent, I wouldn't be living the life of a retired
real estate agent in podunk Centerboro, would I? I'd most likely be in some position
of real power where my influence would reach millions or billions, not
the few dozen readers of this site. Maybe I'd be the the Speaker of the House,
or the Pope, or the CEO of a large advertising agency or publishing house, or
some "musician" with wide appeal among the young. Second, if I were a Martian
or hybrid with the powers you describe, how could I possibly exert them
through mere static text and images on a website? Surely you don't believe
all that nonsense about subliminal messages. Now do you see how full of
kishka your theory is? And NO, I'm not going to send you a DNA sample,
and I'd better not catch any of you going through my garbage cans looking for
Question: I've never
seen a complete set of Freddy books. Could you show us your collection?
Answer: I don't see any harm in that. Other more interesting things
you see in this picture are my old Andy Panda bank, a couple of big marbles from
"back then," a few of my old lead spacemen, ducks, my first slingshot, a collapsible
camping cup, a hand-carved camel from the Middle East, a little plastic Ferris
wheel, a neat little tin locomotive (hard to see), a Ford radiator cap, and a
Cheshire cat that Mrs. U. gave me.
The Usual Short Answers to
Infrequently Asked Questions
- A communist? No, I'm not
a communist. What have I said or done to make you think such a completely
asinine thing? I am a 100% all-American entrepreneur who actually served his country
in the Army. Can you say as much?
- The Martians' feet look
pretty much like their hands, and they do run on all sixes sometimes. And,
boy, can they go fast! I'd estimate they can move along at about 20 m.p.h.
for up to half a minute before they poop out in the stronger gravity of our planet.
- Ernest Bean was Freddy's
first cousin. Ernest's second son was called Weedly, but his given name
was really William, after his uncle, Freddy's father. Ernest and his wife
Cora had a little place over by Macy's. That's about all I can remember,
and I don't know where they got the nickname "Weedly." Oh, yes, I almost
forgot--Ernest had narcolepsy. Back then no one knew what to call it, and
everyone, especially Cora, thought he was just plain faineant. Do you like that
word "faineant"? Pretty nifty, eh?
- If I were you, I'd soak
the navy beans overnight the next time.
- Dear LC: You could
try this site: JLB.
- My second favorite
Lem book is A Perfect Vacuum. For more info: SL.
- It was Fred Alan Wolf
(not Fred Allen) who said, " 'To be or not to be' is not the question; it is the
answer." I don't know what the hell he meant, either.
- I don't object to blue
food as long as it tastes good. I had some blue corn chips at a reception once,
and they tasted just like any other corn chips.
- No. Why would I buy Freddy
float pens when I can buy 10 stick pens for $.89. And don't tell me
I'm missing the point.
- Yes, I did finally
sell the magnificent "Yekkant" sculpture; unfortunately all I could get for it
was the going rate for scrap iron.
- Kate Mulgrew could fly
my saucer any day, but don't tell Mrs. U.
- Well, I suppose
the whole universe could have been created one minute ago, and all our memories
could be illusions created at the same time. But how would that make any real
difference in the lives we are living in the present moment? Don't you have anything better
to do than think about weird things like this?
- Voltaire's Thumb
is probably long out of print. I don't know the publisher, but I remember reading
it in the 1940s if that's any help. I don't know if Blutenfuss wrote anything
- My flapjack recipe: 1 cup
of flour, 1 tblsp. baking powder, 1 tsp. salt, 3 tblsp. wheat germ, 3 eggs,
1 eight-ounce container of plain yogurt, and 1/2 cup milk. These are delicious and
healthy--much better for you than Dixon's Puffy Fries.
- No, I don't think I will
be posting a "photo tour" of my house here.
- I'll think about that "five
favorite movies" question and get back to you, and no, I don't like those "colorized"
versions. It's a Wonderful Life is a little too sentimental for my tastes.
- Dear "ET": You can stop
sending me your "glamour shots." First of all, I do not open file attachments
unless I know from whom they come (even though you claim I should know you) and/or
if they are virus-free. Second, I am interested only in Mrs. U.
- Yes, it's true. Petey and
Herb and I once did try to duplicate Ben Franklin's lightning experiment. Perhaps
one day I will tell that story in "Tales Out of School." Where did you hear about this?