.

The Reports of My Demise Were Greatly Exaggerated!

As I stood in front of the newspaper office on May 8, 1998, my prepared statement in hand, I suddenly realized that trying to explain my so-called “mysterious disappearance” and equally mysterious re-appearance in Centerboro would be futile. No one would take the word of that Anderson nut, I thought to myself. No one would believe that the last thing I remembered before finding myself standing sans clothing in my front yard looking at a "For Sale" sign stuck in the lawn was boarding my old army buddy John McCurdy’s boat. Certainly no one would believe my theory that I had once again been abducted by the Martians who had gotten wind of my plans to publish their plans for this world. I’m sure they have frequented (and continue to monitor) my Website as a part of the routine surveillance they keep over me and others who are aware of their presence and plans. They must have become alarmed because of my growing readership and took advantage of my being alone on vacation in an isolated spot to "beam me up." As I looked over my old site, I noticed in the (now deleted) “Coming Attractions” that I had plans to publish "Recovered Memories of Mars: Startling Revelations That Will Change Your Views of the Universe and Our Place In It!!! Incredible! Truly Astounding! Due for Publication Here on May 3, 1998. Everything Else Can Wait!" Unfortunately, I have absolutely no idea what I was going to reveal. Absolutely none. My brain feels as though the part that stored my memories from the end of April to May 6 has been selectively scrubbed with Lava soap. I'm sure the Martians believe that I have been completely discredited now and are having a good laugh. So, I guess the only thing to do is to pick up the pieces and carry on in the hopes of establishing The Truth™. First though, I’d like to address several matters of very great importance to me.

  • Although I got all of my furnishings back shortly after I took my house off the market, my Sears Craftsman riding lawn mower is still missing. Whoever took it--I want it back! The same goes for all my lawn display materials and silverware.
  • Thank you to the Centerboro Free Library for returning all of my books, especially my research collection of Freddy the Pig. You were most understanding, and you’re still in my will.
  • To Whom It May Concern at Harvard University: I have received your return shipment of my belongings; however, my diary and scrapbook from 1955 are still missing, and I'd appreciate their return post haste
  • “Huey,” I really meant it when I said last May that if I didn’t get everything back within one month that I was going to “blow your cover”! I’ve stuck by you all these years, and I expected better treatment than you gave me when I reappeared and wanted back the stuff I left you in my will. I don’t really mind that you drank that bottle of whiskey. That I can understand. And I was glad to get back the Purple Heart, the peanut shells, the PEZ dispensers, etc. Thank you very much. But letting your son wreck the Mustang and refusing to tell me where you've got the Studebaker stashed? Okey-dokey, then—HERB. There! Yes, “Huey Muddle” is Herb Garble. Do you hear that, everyone?? Herb Garble, who vanished and lived under a rather obvious alias. Herb Garble, who steals cars! These days, he lives alternately in St. Petersburg, Florida, and Twin Buttes, Montana, and it’s too bad that the statute of limitations makes it impossible to punish him for his Centerboro antics. But maybe someone in Twin Buttes or St. Petersburg can get him for something else more recent! I myself have asked Dougal to begin proceedings! (By the way, Herb, your sister agrees with me 100% on my decision to expose you!)
  • To the CHS music department, many thanks for the return of all my donations. To the science department, I still can't understand how you could be so negligent as to let my Sea-Monkey® colony die! Thanks for giving me back my other stuff, but you are O-U-T of my will!
  • Dougal, how can I thank you enough for all your assistance in unravelling the legal tangle my disappearance caused?

And now, regarding the status of my Website, I’ve decided to publish this second edition, including most of the first edition (with numerous revisions and editing)--except I’ve gotten rid of the “Coming Attractions” feature because I don’t want to tie myself down to specific projects in the future, and I never liked it anyway because some of you were always pestering me: "You said you'd publish this or that, so where is it?" I will continue to add to and update this edition if and when I feel so moved, so if you bookmark the site and check back occasionally, who knows what you'll find! I promise that I will continue to publish The Truth™ here, to set records straight, to inform the ignorant, to amuse the intelligent, to delve into the true chronicles of Centerboro, etc., etc. So you’re welcome to visit again if you like, and equally welcome not to.

I am appending next a number of items from the first edition that might prove some day to be a valuable documentary record of my April 27, 1998, abduction by Martians. You can scroll down through all of it or click on entries in the table of contents below to get to where you want to be more quickly.

Appendices

Contents


Email Messages Relating to My Abduction and the Ensuing Mess

  • Subj: [freddy-the-pig] EHA on Vacation
    Date: 98-04-24 16:45:35 EDT
    From: MrEha
    To: freddy-the-pig@alpha.recol.net

    Dear friends, hasn't it been fun on the Freddy list lately? Too much excitement for me, though. Just to let you know that I'm going on a little jaunt up north to the St. Lawrence River. One of my old Army buddies has kindly allowed me to spend some time alone at his cottage on one of the islands, and I'll be up there for a few days--boating, reading, relaxing, etc. When I return, I plan to publish some startling information. I have begun to recover some of my missing time and memories! Check my site around May 2 or 3rd. You'll be glad you did! BFN, Your friend, Mr. EHA

  • Date: Wed, 29 Apr 1998 15:48:05 EDT
    From: Muddleh
    Subject: [freddy-the-pig] Edward is gone.
    To: freddy-the-pig@alpha.recol.net

    Ed Anderson has passed away. He asked me to contact this group in that eventuality and to post some information at his Web site I guess there's no more to say here.

  • Date: Thu, 30 Apr 1998 18:03:53 EDT
    From: Muddleh
    Subject: [freddy-the-pig] Ed's Last Will and Testament
    To: freddy-the-pig@alpha.recol.net

    I have been in touch with Dougal, and he informs me that Ed's will is going to be read within the week. As a final tribute to Ed, I'm going to put it on his Web site. Check in now and then to see if it's there. It should be running at least until the end of May.

  • Subj: [freddy-the-pig] Reading of Ed's Will
    Date: 98-05-03 18:53:46 EDT
    From: Muddleh
    To: freddy-the-pig@alpha.recol.net

    Ed's will is being read tomorrow at 10 A.M. in Centerboro. I'll try to post it at his Web site, which is still up and operating, by late afternoon. Dougal tells me that someone he knows in Watertown, New York, faxed him an article from Saturday's paper about Ed's accident. There's some detail in the article that he wants to talk to me about tomorrow, so maybe I'll have something to pass on to you. HM.

  • Subj: [freddy-the-pig] The Will is Posted
    Date: 98-05-04 20:36:09 EDT
    From: Muddleh
    To: freddy-the-pig@alpha.recol.net

    Ed's Last Will is at his site now. I'm going to be leaving Centerboro for home this Wednesday, and since there won't be any more reason for me to write to you after that, I probably won't. But before I go, I'll try to get that newspaper article about the police investigation into Ed's accident out to you. HM.

  • Subj: [freddy-the-pig] Watertown News Article
    Date: 98-05-05 20:26:19 EDT
    From: Muddleh
    To: freddy-the-pig@alpha.recol.net

    Just posted that article I told you about at Ed's site. I decided to drive home starting tonight in that Mustang Ed left me. Can't wait till the wife sees it! It's going to be swell cruising with the top down under those big skies and hard to keep our youngest boy from behind the wheel, you bet. Just to let you know, you won't be able to get in touch with me anymore. Well, I guess I'll be saying good-bye now.

Back to "Contents of Appendices"


In Memoriam
Edward Henry Anderson
Born October 31, 1920
Died April 27, 1998

Dear Reader: Edward was a dear friend of mine. He asked me to publish this memorial for him at his Website in the event of his demise. It is the text of his obituary which appeared in the Centerboro Guardian today, April 29, 1998. I would like to interject a personal comment first, though. Contrary to his undeserved bad reputation among an ignorant minority, Edward was a wonderful man. He was, in appearance and deportment, a gentleman through and through. His friends’ lives were enriched by his sense of humor and love of fun, his unstinting generosity, his knack for stimulating thought and conversation, and his odd, yet strangely compelling “take” on the world. His true friends, I first among them, will miss him. (-HM-)

Edward Henry Anderson, retired businessman, WW II vet

Edward Henry Anderson, 77, a life-long resident of Centerboro and son of Harold and the late Gwendolyn (Macy) Anderson, is missing and presumed dead as a result of a boating mishap on the St. Lawrence River on April 27. A member of the Centerboro High School class of 1939 where he was a member of the Radio Club, the Drama Club, and the Junior Business League, he enlisted in the United States Army shortly after graduation, served as a radio operator in World War II, and was awarded a Purple Heart. After his Army discharge, Anderson returned to Centerboro where he started his first business, Anderson Realty, which he ran single-handed until his retirement in 1986. He also owned and managed a hotel and two apartment buildings. Anderson, a novel character on the Centerboro scene, enjoyed many hobbies. He was an avid astronomer, accomplished amateur musician, gourmet cook, traveler, and raconteur. His holiday lawn displays attracted a great deal of attention and comment. Survivors include his father, a resident of the Oteseraga County Nursing Facility and a cousin, Dougal Anderson, Esq., of Jupiter, Florida.

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Last Will and Testament of Edward H. Anderson

Here is the significant portion of Ed’s Last Will and Testament. He did not ask that I publish it at his Web site. In fact, he probably wouldn’t like it that I have. But as a last tribute to him, I thought I might be forgiven if I did. You can see for yourselves what a kind and generous soul Ed really was. As Marc Antony said, “If you have tears, prepare to shed them now.” BFN, Ed, from all your friends. (-HM-)

I, EDWARD H. ANDERSON, of Centerboro, County of Oteseraga, and State of New York, being of sound mind and memory, do make, publish, and declare this my last Will and Testament, in manner following, that is to say:

FIRST. I direct that all my just debts and funeral expenses be paid as soon after my death as practicable.

SECOND. All the rest, residue, and remainder of my property, of whatsoever nature, both real and personal, and wheresoever situate, I give, devise and bequeath absolutely and forever in the following manner:

To my beloved Mrs. Humphrey Underdunk, in eternal gratitude for our happy years together, the entire contents of the wall safe behind the Martian landscape painting in my study at 45 Clinton Street.

To the Centerboro Free Library, my entire research collection of Freddy the Pig books, at least forty-one volumes in number, to be sold at their next used book sale at no more than $1.00 per volume, the proceeds to be used to purchase materials for the Library’s adult literacy program and under the following provisions: (1) under no circumstances shall any Freddy book be sold to a book dealer, and (2) sales shall be limited to one book per person, first come, first served. All other books in my study may be sold for whatever price the Library can obtain, the proceeds going to the aforementioned program.

To the Science Department at Centerboro High School, my Sea-Monkey ® colony, my 10-inch Newtonian telescope, my ham radio set, and my scientific notes and papers.

To the Department of Psychology at Harvard University, my letters, journals, scrapbooks, notes, diaries, floppy disks, and computer hard drive as previously arranged.

To my old friend "Huey Muddle," my Purple Heart, the contents of my toolshed, my Lionel train set that we loved when we were boys, the bottle of Cobbs Creek Whiskey we never got around to drinking after the War, my mint 1942 Studebaker and 1965 Ford Mustang convertible, the shoebox of Martian peanut shells if it has not already been sold, and my collection of PEZ dispensers which he always coveted.

To the Music Department at Centerboro High School, my accordions, metronome, original musical scores (including the Martian Spring and Martian Summer libretti), all harp-accordion duet recordings, and the kazoo collection.

To my cousin Dougal Anderson, of Jupiter, Florida, my house, real estate holdings, and otherwise undistributed personal property at 45 Clinton in thanks for the many kind services he has rendered me gratis and without too many questions over the years.

LASTLY, I appoint my cousin, Dougal Anderson, as the executor of this, my last Will and Testament, with full power and authority to sell and convey, lease or mortgage real estate, hereby revoking all former wills by me made.

IN THE EVENT that Dougal Anderson predeceases me or is otherwise unable to act as such Executor, then and in that event I nominate and appoint the Attorney General of the United States of America.

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Watertown Newspaper Article on Ed’s Disappearance

Here’s that article I promised I’d post here. Ed never did anything the easy way, and this article proves it. I guess that’s all there is to report. I’m leaving for home, now that all the legal stuff is over with in Centerboro, so I guess it’s good-bye, so-long, and farewell. (-HM-)

Mysterious Disappearance

The mystery surrounding the death of Edward H. Anderson of Centerboro, NY, on April 27, has deepened. Police report that no body has yet been found in or along the St. Lawrence River, and that this is unusual in such a case. Captain Thornton Bryant of the Alexandria Bay Police Department stated: “We expected to recover the body of the drowning victim by now. We’re really stumped. It’s like he vanished into thin air.” Witnesses reported seeing Anderson leaving the dock in the Chris-Craft Silver Arrow belonging to his friend John X. McCurdy, at whose Wellesley Island cottage he was vacationing, at about 10 o’clock the morning of the 27th. Minutes later a report of the unmanned, drifting vessel was called in to Alexandria police by other boaters. A rescue team was immediately dispatched to look for Anderson, but an extensive search yielded no results. Several baffling details have emerged in the course of the police investigation. Under a tarp in the McCurdy cottage backyard, a large number of rolls of aluminum foil and a powerful radio transceiver were discovered. A still-open file titled “Startling Revelations That Will Change Your Views of the Universe and Our Place in It!” was discovered on a computer in the cottage, but the file contained no other information. Police theorize that Anderson may have been taking a break from composing when the boating mishap occurred. The Alexandria Bay Police Department asks riverside residents between Wellesley Island and Massena to call with any information leading to the discovery of Anderson’s remains. They also ask anyone with information about Anderson’s activities up to the time of his disappearance to contact them as well.

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