These questions (edited for
the sake of brevity) were gleaned from the voluminous number of queries I received
from readers of the first edition of Mr. Eha's Place. Questions I received while
publishing the second edition are answered in the numerous other FAQ pages listed
on the Table of Contents. If your question did not appear in the original FAQ
or does not appear in the second edition FAQs, please do not be offended.
I may get to it in due course unless it is much too personal, silly,
or complicated. The answers given here in the first edition FAQ are pretty
much the same as they were when first published many years ago, but I may
have improved my grammar here and there, added something I forgot the first time
around, or included (in parentheses and in red) some recent information or development
since the time I first wrote the response.
QUESTION: Will we ever
see a recent picture of you at Mr. EHAs Place? If so, when?
ANSWER: You have seen such a picture. The photo of me which appears
here and there in this site was taken in the summer of 1997 at the stock ranch
of a dear friend in Montana. I was 77 then--not bad for 77, eh? Dapper,
even, some say. As you can see, I dont believe in letting oneself
go. I have an even more recent photo of myself pouring coffee for Mrs. Underdunk,
but I think that the stock ranch photo captures my essence. As you can
see, I am a well-adjusted, attractive gentleman, not the ornery crank some
have made me out to be. Why, I believe I could be on the cover of Modern Maturity!
(As you know by now, that dear friend is now a former
dear friend--Herb Garble.)
QUESTION: Why would
Freddy and Mr. Brooks have wanted to ruin your life? Arent you just
a little bit paranoid?
ANSWER: Freddy, Mr. Brooks, and the rest of that coterie were jealous of
my many entrepreneurial successes following my return from the War. With just
a high school diploma, a great deal of native intelligence, and limitless self-confidence,
I was doing quite well for myself. (By the way, Freddy never even graduated
from high school. He went just to play football, and when he was suspended from
the team for unsportsmanlike conduct, he quit school.) Now and then I got the
better of Freddy in a business deal, which sparked his always-smoldering mean-spiritedness
into flame. He also knew it was I who spread stories about his gambling and his
stealing from his own family. With his forceful personality, he was able to gather
his cronies into a vengeful, venomous conspiracy dedicated to my complete ruination.
Is that paranoia? I hardly think so.
QUESTION: Whom did you
visit on your recent trip to Montana with Mrs. Underdunk? (Note: I had mentioned
this jaunt at the Freddy-the-pig mailing list.)
ANSWER: First of all, my hats off to you for using whom instead
of who. However, this is a good example of a question which is much too
personal, and I must decline to answer. Other examples include: when (or if) Mrs.
Underdunk and I will get married, whether I was probed by the Martians,
and what medications I am currently taking. Please avoid such questions. (Well,
I guess the way things worked out, this is no longer a private, personal matter--I
always visited Herb in Montana.)
QUESTION: I dont
think youre Mr. Eha at all. I think youre one of those Friends of
Freddy and that this page is just a spoof. Right?
ANSWER: This is a good example of a question which is much too silly!
I am exactly who I say I am: Edward Henry Anderson, b. October 31, 1920,
in Centerboro Memorial Hospital. You can check the hospital and Oteseraga County
official records if you dont believe me.
QUESTION: Are you a
deconstructionist by any chance?
ANSWER: This is a good example of a question which is much too complicated!
I looked up deconstructionist to see if I might be one, but
evidently I am not smart enough to figure out if I am or not, even after struggling
mightily with several paragraphs of some of the most dense and repellent prose
I have ever readmuch worse than legalese or art criticism even! So
I still dont know if I am a deconstructionist or not. Perhaps you
should ask an intellectual. (Does anyone out there know if
I'm a deconstructionist? Is it a bad thing? It sounds like it might
QUESTION: Would you
send me your autograph?
ANSWER: First of all, I do not sign autographs! Second, why
would you even want my autograph? Third, you should always use the
magic word please when you ask for something, not that that will get
you my autograph anyway. And to answer the yet unasked question as to why I do
not give my autograph, its because I am a modest, unassuming man who does
not wish to be regarded as any kind of celebrity (or possibly to have his handwriting
QUESTION: Do you have
any children? Any brothers or sisters?
ANSWER: This question borders on the too personal, but I see no harm in
telling you that I have no natural children. I believe that my exposure to large
doses of radiation while assisting on the flying saucer project made it quite
improbable that I ever would. However, I was so moved by a church mission appeal
once that I adopted all the children of a village in India, I think it was. Or
perhaps Bangladesh? That was when I had much more money than I have now. I have
no brothers or sisters. I do have a cousin, Dougal (Yes, Dougal, not Douglas)
Anderson, who was (thank goodness!) a very successful and well-respected lawyer
QUESTION: Did the Martians
ever take you for a visit to Mars?
ANSWER: I believe so. There is a period of approximately two weeks
in 1955 that I cannot account for. It was a most peculiar situation. It seemed
as though I suddenly came to in the Busy Bee one mid-afternoon in
early June of that year. I did not have a stitch of clothes on and my beard was
quite heavyabout two weeks' worth of not shaving. I felt weak and disoriented.
When I tried to speak to the horrified customers and salesgirls, my words were
slurred and my gestures rather spastic. They threw a blanket around me and called
the sheriff. My cousin (see above) bailed me out and convinced Judge Willey that
I had been suffering from the effects of my old head injury and could not be held
responsible for my actions. Well, that was the official story, and I couldnt
show my face in Centerboro for a while again. My theory is much
more plausible. I had become friendly with the Martians and had pitched them the
idea of my buying up some property on Mars to be developed as a tourist attraction.
They said it was a buyers market on Mars, and I could get vast tracts of
attractive land for peanuts, literally. To us, peanuts are just a lowly
snack food, but Martians metabolize peanuts in such a way that they are instantly
addicted! Well, I bought a ton of peanuts in the shell from a wholesaler in Georgia,
and the Martians, the peanuts, and I were on our way to Mars. The next thing I
knew, there I was in the Busy Bee! I believe I had been taken advantage of. They
used me to get a huge supply of peanuts for themselves gratis. Perhaps
they have become the equivalent of a drug cartel on Mars, importing peanuts through
willing human dupes on Earth. Thank whatever powers there may be that they were
at least decent enough to return me to Earth (minus my memories and clothes) on
what I believe is one of their regular visits. I believe the government may be
involved in all this, trading peanuts for advanced technology from Mars. I say
this because my receipt for the peanuts I bought in 1955 was one of the items
I believe was confiscated by the government along with my pictures of the flying
saucer and the Martians. Someday I hope to recover my memories of those two weeks
and sell my story to TV or the movies. (Since I wrote this
answer, I have been abducted by Martians a second time. The facts are elsewhere
on this site.)
QUESTION: What would
you say to Freddy if you had the chance?
ANSWER: (Expletives deleted)thats what Id
QUESTION: If you could
be any animal you wanted, what would you be?
ANSWER: Now thats a fascinating question. I think perhaps
a sleek and graceful Mustela nigripes.
QUESTION: Would you
consider playing the accordion at my wedding reception? I can pay up to $200.
ANSWER: This question is a bit too specific for this FAQ, but to
put a stop to any more such requests, I must decline your offer (and all others
of its kind). I am an amateur, and although I play competently, I must admit
I do not always play up to professional standards. Also, you should know that
the accordion ought to be considered a serious instrument, like a French
horn or a bassoon, and therefore not likely to be featured as a solo instrument
at a wedding reception for much less than $500.
long is a piece of string?
ANSWER: I do not appreciate crank e-mail and silly questions
like this one. I have received a large number of similar questions from different
e-mail addresses; however, I know they are all coming from the same
person with way too much time on his hands. I am going to block all mail from
those domains, so dont even bother sending me your asinine questions anymore.
You know who you are! (I will admit, though, that I was a bit intrigued
by the zen-like quality of the above question. My answer is: About this long.)
QUESTION: Is Herb
Garble, your old pal and Army buddy, still alive?
ANSWER: How would I know? I havent seen Herb in many, many years.
I have no idea where hed be even if he were alive. What makes you think
I know anything about Herb? (Well, you know the story by
now. And if you don't, go to the table of contents and find it.)
QUESTION: Which five
people from any place or any time would you invite to dinner?
ANSWER: This is a hard one. Well, the inventor of the accordion,
for one. I dont know who it was, but I have some technical questions Id
like to ask him. Id invite former President Jimmy Carter, because I believe
he may know something about a Martian-U.S. government peanut connection. I would
certainly invite the very talented and underappreciated actress Jayne Mansfield.
I will always remember her lovely violin solo on the Ed Sullivan Show. And Lot
from the Bible. I would like to get the particulars of the destruction
of Sodom, as I believe there is clear evidence that it was the result of a nuclear
explosion of extraterrestrial origin, and I would like to clear this up. Finally,
I would have to include someone who could keep the conversation moving along in
a lively fashioneither Oscar Wilde or Jonathan Winters. (On
second thought, and no offense to Oscar or Jonathan, I think for the fifth
guest I'd like to invite either Madeline Bean or Elmira Camphor, both of whom
were just chockablock with fascinating travel and adventure stories.)
QUESTION: You really
write these questions yourself and then answer them, dont you?
ANSWER: No, I don't.
QUESTION: Do you have
ANSWER: I have a large, thriving colony of Sea-Monkeys® which I started
in 1963. You can buy a starter kit right in toy stores now, I hear, instead of
ordering from a comic book or magazine. My colony now requires a 60-gallon aquarium
and a great deal of my time. (During all the hoopla surrounding
my abduction earlier this year, my colony was given to the Centerboro High School
Science Department who neglected it and allowed all my little monkeys to
perish. I hereby remove the CHS Science Department from my will.)
QUESTION: Are you aware
that there is no scientific proof that theres life on Mars? And even
if there were intelligent life on Mars, how come we dont pick
up their radio and TV signals here on Earth?
ANSWER: Part One: Of course Im aware that the scientists
say there is no scientific proof of life on Mars. They have such
overly rigid standards of proof! Besides, not one of them was in Centerboro to
see actual Martians in the mid-50s. As far as I understand it, the Martians live
deep below the now-inhospitable surface of their world, although a handful of
hermit-like religious Martians live spartan existences in caves along ancient,
dried-up river beds waiting for the re-emergence of their Supreme Crustaceanoid
from its centuries-long state of aestivation. Part Two: Martians do not
use radios. They employ some sort of biocomputer-enhanced telepathy instead which
we are incapable of detecting except in special circumstances. As far as TV, the
Martians do not produce and broadcast any shows of their own. They abandoned TV
centuries ago when it threatened to rot the cultural, spiritual, and physical
underpinnings of their society. Instead, they receive our broadcasts, alien enough
to them to pose no such threat. They are particularly amused by our nightly local
and national news programs, which they regard as clownish and grotesque satiric
QUESTION: Will you ever
show up at a Friends of Freddy convention?
ANSWER: You havent been paying attention, have you? No, I
wont. I am not about to be put in a position where I might be tempted to
be unpleasant, shall we say. However, I am thinking of asking them if I
might send some of my Mr. Ehas Place Deluxe T-Shirts ® on consignment
(@$40.00, which I dont think is too much for such a high-quality
item) to their next gathering as well as a small collection (one shoebox filled
to capacity) of peanut shells actually shucked by Martians in 1955. I could
be persuaded to part with this highly desirable collectible for, say, around $1000
a very interesting man. Do you plan to do a public lecture tour ever?
ANSWER: Possibly. I have been contacted by several UFO-related organizations
and am in the process of negotiating my speakers fee and the rental fee
for my T-shirt display table. I have also been asked to speak at this years
(1998) Centerboro High School commencement ceremony owing to, I believe, the popularity
of my Web site among the Centerboro cognoscenti. If you know of any (paying) club,
association, or organization which would like to engage my services, please have
them contact me. Here is a list of my current topics, although I can tailor my
talks to your groups interests (within the limits of my expertise).
- Strategic Real Estate
Investing for the 21st Century and Beyond (embellished with charts, maps,
- Is Martian Land Speculation
for You? Practicalities, Possibilities, and Pitfalls
- The Accordion: A
Study of an Underappreciated Instrument (lecture and recital)
- A Short History of
Minor-League Baseball in Upstate New York
- The Foibles of Frederick
Bean: A Case Study in Depravity (with a slide presentation)
- Cooking the Dixon
Diner Way (lecture and demonstration. I will perform in supermarkets.)
- Across the Solar
System with Mr. Eha (a guided meditation and visualization experience)
- What, Me Delusional?
(with a slide presentation and accordion recital)
- My Dinner with Ollie
Groper (a two-hour dramatic monologue)
- Centerboro Confidential
(a hidden-camera, multimedia presentation)
QUESTION: How can I
get in touch with the Martians?
ANSWER: Well, the short answer is that you dont
get in touch with them; they get in touch with you. Heres
something you might try, though, to tune in their telepathic emanations. Arrange
eight boxes of aluminum foil (approximately 600 square feet) into a large rectangle
in your backyard. You can reuse the foil several times if youre careful.
Lie in the center of this receiver facing Mars when its at its
closest. (Check Sky and Telescope magazine for times.) You may pick
up the faint messages which Martians direct at receptive humans now and then.
By the way, I speak from experience when I say dont let your neighbors
see you doing this.
from numerous readers). Im very interested in purchasing the box of Martian
peanut shells, but $1000 seems a bit high. Is this a firm price?
ANSWER: Well, I am not greedy. Therefore I have applied a formula (known
only to myself) to adjust my initial asking price to a more affordable
and reasonable level which is a firm price. No other adjustments will
be made, and the box of peanut shells (with a certificate of authenticity) will
go to the first person who is willing to shell out $782.99 plus shipping and handling.
(NB: My inventory of Mr. Ehas Place Deluxe T-Shirts ® is down to zero
because of demand. I am creating a new design and will let you know when the next
batch of shirts will be available.) (The peanuts are still
available at the same low price. The new T-Shirt is still in development and not
QUESTION: What is your
theory about the famous Face on Mars?
ANSWER: I assume youre referring to the feature resembling
a human face in the Cydonia region of Mars. I dont have a theoryI
know what it is. Here is the best-known of the images of the "face" and
its immediate surroundings on Mars and my 100% factual interpretation based on
my telepathic communications with the Martians.
This image was transmitted
to the Jet Propulsion Laboratory in Pasadena, California, by the Viking 1 Orbiter
about 25 years ago. The main reason for the whole Viking program, which included
landings on Mars, was to figure out whether there is life on Mars. Intelligent
people have correctly ignored the scientific explanations of what you see on the
imageexplanations which discount the idea that these features on the Martian
terrain could be artifacts created by Martians. So-called scientists pooh-pooh
The Truth, citing lack of data, and ...[low] probability
that the features are anything other than natural in origin, and frost and
wind and running water erosion and Mars quakes in the ancient past. Hah! Nonsense!
It is quite obvious to the meanest intelligence among us that the image shows
a number of artifacts created by an alien race! And, through information I discovered
by tuning in telepathic seepage among the Martians who visited Centerboro, I can
inform you with 100% certainty that the area covered by the image includes
only part of a recently exposed Martian junkyard. This exposure occurred in 1955
during particularly windy weather on Mars. Now, refer to the image as I explain
what is actually there. Lets start with The Face as a reference point. Thats
just what it isa giant human face, and mostly buried in sand just
below it is the torso upon which it once perched. You can clearly see the neck
and part of the shoulder. Directly below the torso are three objects which appear
to be boulders. Thats what they are. Below them in the lower righthand corner
of the image is a partially buried circular object . Thats part of an old
airlock door and has nothing to do with the heads, faces, etc. Its just
junk. Scan over to the left of the torso and boulders, and youll see a larger
head. A look to the left of that head reveals a sharply-defined, concave, disk-like
object. That is a Martian multi-frequency receiver--an MFR through which they
receive our TV broadcasts. It is cleverly disguised as an impact crater and is
one of many such receivers spread over the entire surface of the planet, and its
presence here is purely coincidental. Down and to the left is a pyramid-like
structure. At one time human civilization was all the rage on Mars. This fad reached
its zenith many, many centuries ago and manifested itself in the Martians
learning various Earth languages (Hittite and Babylonian were quite popular),
adopting human behaviors (like posturing, drinking and eating toxic substances
until stupefied, and taking themselves very seriously), and importing various
human artifacts and specimens for both private and public collections. The jumble
of sculpted figures in the Viking image were once part of a exhibit in an ancient
Martian theme park. When the human civilization fad passed, as all fads do, this
exhibit along with most other human-related stuff wound up in their rubbish dumps,
just like hula-hoops and platform shoes did here. The Martians are completely
unconcerned that we possess this and other such images of this particular dump
site. They know that most people will be swayed by our scientists into seeing
"natural formations," not artifacts. But, as the Great Crustaceanoid is my witness,
youve heard The Truth here!
QUESTION: Can I drop
in for a visit sometime if I ever pass through Centerboro? Would I need to write
ahead of time?
ANSWER: Well, I dont encourage visits because I value my privacy.
However, if you wouldnt mind paying an entrance fee of, say, $75.00, I might
be persuaded to open my doors to you for fifteen minutes or so. For an additional
$25.00 you could take a look at the flying saucer project remnants in my toolshed.
For another $25.00 I could show you my scrapbooks and Sea Monkeys ®. For $250.00
more I could take you on a short guided tour of the following places: the former
location of the Bean farm (now a middle-income housing development), the field
where Boomschmidt used to pitch his circus tents (now the parking lot of the big-name
chain discount store where I work part-time), the former Dixons Diner (now
a vacant firetrap), and your choice of any other two places youd like to
see (within 2 miles of my house). If you want to do all of the above, I could
accommodate you for the special price of $337.50 (10% off). If you drive,
Ill make it $325.00. All this would be, of course, on a strictly cash basis.
No personal checks or credit cards. Now, I know that I may come across
as money-grubbing, but I have no pension and just a measly income from so-called
Social Security and my dinky job, and I would like to be able to keep up my
house and wardrobe, do a little traveling out West now and then, and take Mrs.
Underdunk out in style. Besides, even though Im going to be, what, 78 this
year, the entrepreneurial spirit still burns bright within me. E-mail me (use
the Send Mail link on the Table of Contents) at least a month in advance of your
visit, and Ill get back to you. (Since the Sea Monkeys
® are gone, I can knock another $10 off.)
QUESTION: What do you
know about the Horribles? Whom or what did Brooks base these guys on?
ANSWER: Ah, yes, the Horribles. I know everything about the
Horribles. So does everyone in Centerboro, even those born long after the
demise of that band of beastly little savages. Their heyday passed years and years
ago, but their memory is an unpleasant, ineradicable stain in the Centerboro chronicles.
Originally the Horribles were nothing more than a number of neighborhood children
from over on Elm Street (where my uncle Alexander lived). They would gather for
sandlot baseball games, twilight hide-n-seek, corn and potato roasts, explorations
of the shadowy depths of the Big Woods, jaunts to the Bean farm for a dip in the
duck pond with their friend Jinx....harmless kid stuff like that. Well, these
kids gradually came under the influence of young Frederick during their visits
to the farm. Before long, it was cow-tipping, cutting clotheslines, soaping windows,
stinkbombs in the Busy Bee, prank phone calls, crude language in public...obnoxious,
yes, but not terribly malicious behavior. Over a period of four or five
more years, they graduated to seriously delinquent conduct. There were gang fights
involving knives and zip guns with tough kids from Tushville and Plutarch Mills.
The Horribles dabbled in burglary and serious vandalism (They once tipped over
my toolshed!) Everyone knew what the Horribles were up to, but it was very
hard to pin anything on them. It was common to be walking down Main Street minding
ones own business and suddenly find oneself rudely accosted and menaced
by the hulking teenaged monsters. Around election time, Sheriff Higgins finally
deputized a number of citizens who began patrolling the streets of Centerborowith
baseball bats. A few cracked skulls and reform school sentences later, and that
was it for the Horribles. Their brief, but thoroughly disagreeable reign was over
and peace and quiet returned to Centerboroat least until Freddy reached
his prime. Jinx was never really a part of the Horribles. He was a nice boy and
disengaged himself from them when they started to go bad. Freddy never really
ran with the Horribles either. He may have instigated some of their shenanigans,
but they were small potatoes to him.
QUESTION: Im going
to try to communicate with Martians using your aluminum foil idea, but when exactly
is Mars going to be in the best position?
ANSWER: You should do your own homework if youre really that
interested. But in the spirit of fostering interplanetary understanding, Ill
just tell you. Im afraid youre going to have to wait a while. The
next Martian opposition (closest distance to Earth) will be on 4/24/99, when Mars
will be only 53 million miles away.
A number of questions have
been asked only once, so they dont really belong in a FAQ. However,
I dont wish to disappoint anyone. Therefore, because the answers clearly
suggest the questions, and to save space where I house this page, I am going to
simply list the answers. And because this is an all ages page, I am
not posting answers to certain questions. Here you are...