Two Documents Regarding Politicians
from the
Biocultural Research Division of EHA Industries, Inc.


Document One

Based on recent scientific investigations of the observable and functional characteristics of the average, off-the-rack politician by our Biocultural Research Division, EHA Industries is pleased to announce its proposal for a reclassification of the organism commonly known as the typical politician (Homo exsecrabile) which moves it completely out of the phylum Cordata to its appropriate place in the phylum Mollusca where it joins the invertebrates it most closely resembles. Our proposed taxonomy is given in the chart below. For a copy of the complete report on this epochal advance in the classification of the animal kingdom, contact the Manager of Scientific Research and Analysis, Eha Industries, Incorporated, Centerboro, New York. There is a small charge for the report.

"A Proposed Taxonomic Reclassification of the Typical Politician"

Typical Politician: Current Classification

Kingdom
Phylum
Class
Order
Family
Genus
Species

Animalia
Chordata
Mammalia
Primates
Hominidae
Homo
Exsecrabile

Typical Politician: New Classification

Kingdom
Phylum
Class
Order
Family
Genus
Species

Animalia
Mollusca
Cephalopoda
Teuthoidea
Archieteuthidae
Candidatus
Mediocris

 

Document Two


A Comparative Study of the Characteristics and Consequent Suitability for Public Office of
the Average Politician (New Classification)
(C. mediocris)
Vs
Howdy Doody
(H. nemorosus)
 



Bilateral soft body from sitting around with cronies plotting reelection strategies and sweetheart deals, general scheming, and spinning reality instead of working actively at the job of bettering the lot of constituents, the country, and the world
Bilateral Soft Body?
Present
Absent
Howdy Doody
 
Average Politician
 

Siphon for sucking up campaign money, dirt on opponents, sweets & treats from lobbyists, blood of vanquished adversaries, and the fawning spittle of toadying underlings
Siphon?
Present
Absent
Howdy Doody
 
Average Politician
 

Internal shell--useful for simulating a real backbone among the members of this spineless phylum
Internal Shell?
Present
Absent
Howdy Doody
 
Average Politician
 

Radula (a rasping band of teeth overlaying a tongue-like muscle) used to drill holes through rivals, critics, common decency, and most especially the intelligence of those of voting age. Also used for shoving the shreds thereof into and down the gullet to be excreted in the general direction of large gatherings of mindless adulators and assorted other imbeciles and half-wits
Radula?
Present
Absent
Howdy Doody
 
Average Politician
 

An array of ten flexible appendages bearing suckers or hooks surrounding the mouth used to draw real, fancied, and made-up enemies into a chitinous jaw apparatus resembling a parrot's beak to be thoroughly chopped up
Ten Appendages?
Present
Absent
Howdy Doody
 
Average Politician
 

A funnel for expelling waste & ink and providing jet propulsion--useful in muddying the waters around substantive issues and racing away from thoughtful confrontations and the challenges of the world which non-politicians inhabit
Funnel?
Present
Absent
Howdy Doody
 
Average Politician
 

Well-developed nervous system for dodging momentous issues and spotting opportunities for self-aggrandizement, ego enhancement, narcissistic self-gratification, and status elevation
Well-Developed Nervous System?
Present
Absent
Howdy Doody
 
Average Politician
 

Rapid color changes made possible by chromatophores (elastic pigment sacs) and iridocytes (reflective plates) in the skin--handy when camouflaging real intentions and eluding the fallout from errors in taste & judgment and sins of the past and present. Intentions may also be concealed beneath pricey haircuts, by expensive suits, in vacuous rhetoric and formulaic babble, and in empty promises draped in flags
Rapid Color Changes?
Present
Absent
Howdy Doody
 
Average Politician
 

Conclusion

This groundbreaking comparative study determines with absolute certainty that with respect to the suitability of Candidatus mediocris Vs Howdy Doody for leadership positions requiring principled behavior derived from a high degree of moral development and a well-formed conscience, Howdy Doody will always be the better choice.

 

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