Late Summer 2002 All-Martian Clearance Sale

This special late-summer sale is consequent upon the recent court settlement of the case involving my throwing of the frying pan through the window of a vacant store in the repulsive Oteseraga Country Mall--an incident I explain in a bit more detail in the Hallowe'en Grab-Bag and Legal Defense Fund Sale (2001) page. I still maintain that my action was not a simple act of vandalism nor did it result from my having been in an impaired state owing to alcohol. Since the local constabulary did not administer a breathalyzer test upon me within a certain period of time following the frying pan event at the Mall, that business about my being intoxicated amounts to no more than a completely bogus fabrication spread by my rumor-mongering enemies, who will be distressed to know that they will soon be slapped--each and every single one of them!--with a defamation suit. As you may have already heard, the case did not go well for me, despite the fact of my having gone off my medications because I could not afford them anymore (accounting, thus, for my unusual behavior), despite my compelling presentation of the entire story of the head injury I sustained several decades ago, despite clear evidence of all the mean-spirited campaigns launched against me since then, despite the urban renewal idiocy which destroyed downtown Centerboro, etc., etc., etc., and despite the considerable percentage of my defense fund I spent upon my colorful and lively presentation of audio-visual materials and professionally printed handouts related to my case. I suppose three years' probation at the age of 82 isn't too bad an outcome--if that were all I would have to bear. Unfortunately, the court ordered that I dispose of all the rest of my Martian collection as a condition of not being incarcerated. I do not understand why this is necessary, but rather than spend more time and money upon an appeal, which I'm sure I would lose in any court within 50 miles of Centerboro for obvious reasons, I am complying. I have already cleared out a huge portion of my collection in a non-Internet yard sale about a week ago, but I have saved the ten choicest articles for you, my loyal readers and fans. As always is the case in any of my Internet sales, all transactions are final, there are absolutely no returns, I do not accept personal checks, and I will take cash or postal money orders only in payment. Also, I will not consider trading for anything you might have that you think would interest me--unless and only if it's the address of the nursing home where Frederick Bean resides, information for which I will gladly suspend my cash-and-carry policy. I would so enjoy visiting Frederick before I am too infirm to...well, too infirm to spend a pleasant afternoon swapping stories about the good old days.

Novel: The Martian

To begin, here is an absolutely splendid item from my collection--a late 19th century book, The Martian. It is a 477-page posthumously published novel about the spirit of a Martian that inhabits the body of a woman! It is profusely and spectacularly illustrated by the author, George Du Maurier, with about 50 full-page pictures. This is a 1897 first true U.S. edition, which came out two months before its British cousin. It was published by Harper & Brothers, if that's important for you to know. The pages measure 5 1/8 x 7 1/2 inches according to my ruler, and the volume possesses lovely red cloth boards with all kinds of ornately stamped gilt ornamentation. Now, to be honest, this is not a mint copy. There is light wear to the top spine end, and the bottom spine end shows some fraying owing to my dog's having got hold of it, but only in an area of about 1/4 inch  square at the most. I would describe the corners as very gently rounded. There is some light scuffing to the front, and a small amount of scuffing on the back bottom. The spine is ever so slightly darkened. All things considered, this is a very nice volume for your collection--good + at least, maybe even very good. I offer this spiffulous tome for a most reasonable

$783.00 (Sold)

Misfits: I Turned Into a Martian

Recorded live at the Ritz in the Big Apple in December 1981, here you have the Misfits' "I Turned Into a Martian" which was released on the "Sonically Stealing" label in a deluxe laminated, professionally designed and printed sleeve, not some scrubbly photocopied dreck! I guarantee that both the sleeve and the LP are absolutely near-mint. I have played this album no more than three times for research purposes. Now, you may have to run out to your local Goodwill or Salvation Army second-hand store to purchase a stereo record player upon which to play this magnificent and culturally important work, but I'm sure you'll not regret it. This recording can be yours for only

665.99! (Sold)

Martian Danser orchid

For sale are two (2) cuttings at least 6" to 8" in length from my prize-winning epiphyllum orchid, "Martian Dancer," which was registered in 1999. It displays a remarkable shade of glittering plum (I guess) on the inner petals and a darker, lusher shade of plum on the outer. My image here using web-safe colors does it no justice! Mrs. U. and I have been lavishing a great deal of attention on this gorgeous orchid in her greenhouse--too much attention, according to my psychiatrist--and now as part of the court settlement, even my Martian Dancer orchids have to go! Does that make any sense to you? No, it doesn't! But I'm in no position at the present moment to disregard a court order, so you can grab two (2) cuttings of this hard to obtain beauty for a mere


Cosmo, the Merry Martian

I am told by Stewart, the pimply gawk with a pierced lip but without a life beyond the counter at Centerboro's only comic book store, that this is a scarce Archie Series, Radio Comics, October 1959, number 6 (the last) issue of "Cosmo The Merry Martian," an early silver age comic, whatever that means. Stewart attests that this particular comic is in very good to very good plus condition and describes it as a "nice, tight, solid, readable comic." Though it's pretty old, the staples are not rusty and there are no bad tears or creases anywhere. The top of the cover is a bit age spotted as you can see, but the paper is still soft, not brittle and crumbly. It does not smell bad at all, though this admittedly may be a matter of opinion. Although this comic makes light of a Martian invasion of Earth, the imminent invasion is not to be taken lightly, and I suggest that you have a "nearest shelter" to run to when it occurs. This comic would make good reading by flashlight in your shelter as you nervously await your certain personal extinction, and I offer it for only

$324.99 (Sold)

Toy flying saucer

Flying saucer box

Quite self-explanatory, isn't it? One day long ago during the Martian visitation to Centerboro in 1955, I had Herb and his family over for a picnic to meet some of the little critters. One of Herb's boys brought this gem along to play with. As you can imagine, anything Martian was all the rage back then. Well, the Martians didn't show up, and Herb's little bugger left his saucer behind the furnace. I didn't find it until a couple of years later, by which time I'm sure he would have outgrown his interest in such toys. This baby still sparks quite nicely, especially down in the basement with all the lights off, and it comes complete with its original, mostly unsullied box which was kept dry and mildew- and mold-free by virtue of being left where it had been. This, of course,  raises the value of the toy astronomically. If you don't believe me, watch Antiques Roadshow sometime. Original boxes always raise the value--and that's why my asking price is quite fair, though it may seem a bit high to the uninformed non-collector of such space items.

$800.00 (Sold)

Authentic Martian meteorite

I found this item in my pants pocket after my most recent abduction by the Martians. I have had it analyzed by a reputable scientific testing laboratory and can report with a high degree of confidence the following details about it. It weighs nearly 536 mg and contains crystals of orthopyroxene, a major component of the world's most famous meteorite, ALH 8400! Ankertitic and other carbonates have been identified in this item and are pre-terrestrial in origin. In the opinion of the laboratory, these carbonates were deposited in this meteorite when underground water flowed through it beneath the surface of Mars! Another feature of this amazing specimen is the existence of simplectites, structures that will tell us more about the geology of Mars. These simplectites were believed to be formed when a secondary post crystallization event occurred on Mars involving super heated water that chemically altered parts of this rock. If these data were not enough, this meteorite contains minerals believed to be created by extraterrestrial weathering. Can you own this scientifically important piece of Mars? You bet you can! Because of its one-of-a-kind nature, its scientific significance, and my need to pay off a large credit card bill, it's yours for

$10,000 (Sold)

Martian Patrol rocket toy

Holy mackerel! Here's an MPC Martian Patrol Flying Model Rocket Kit still in its original shrink wrap! It takes 18 millimeter rocket motors which you still might be able to purchase in any hobby shop without fear of becoming a suspected terrorist. It features molded plastic parts and a  fiber body tube. This keen old model rocket was made in the 1970s and has been out of production  for a long time. I purchased several back then with the idea of confusing the radar signals of a Martian landing party to divert them to nearby Herkimer or Oneida County. What's really nifty about this particular model is that two "UFOs" detach at apogee (look it up!) and fly down separately! The box is in great shape (...and what does that do to the value of this item, hmmmm?), but the shrink wrap is torn in a couple of places. I do not think those little tears affect the value of this rocket kit one iota, and I'm willing to part with this marvelous thingy for

$125.00 (Sold)

Martian Symphony Orchestra record

I have had this Martian Symphony Orchestra 78 r.p.m. recording since it was released in 1957 on the Luniverse label. This incredibly rare record, which can be played at 16-2/3, 33-1/3, 45, or 78 r.p.m. and still retain its musical integrity, is in very good condition, although you can clearly see some spindle wear. I would not hesitate to venture that the genius Frank Zappa may have been inspired by this very record! Who were the members of the Martian Symphony Orchestra? I do not know to this day, having been unable to find any reliable answer through painstaking research. I part with this Dada-esque oddity only under extreme duress for

$500.00 (Sold)

The Monster Times all-Martian issue

Strictly for fun (i.e., not for serious research purposes), why not snap up this "All-Martian Issue" of the Monster Times before an eager collector or reseller does?  The condition, though not mint, is excellent. There is, however, only the most slight "old newspaper" odor about it. This particular issue consists of  thirty-one well-preserved pages and contains a very nice 17 " x 23" color poster.  I will  not disclose the subject matter of the poster, but I know you will not be disappointed! I suspect that this publication and many other publications and films such as The Angry Red Planet are manifestations of the Martians' plot to blind us to their real presence and threat by making the very notion of an intelligent Martian race seem like the product of "creative imagination."  We'll find out soon enough if I'm right! You'd better hurry up, because this special issue will soon be gone at

$179.99 (Sold)

Ramierez painting on tin Wow! WOW!!! Once again I have saved the best for last! Aren't you glad you didn't leave after the Misfits item? Can you not just see this splendid painting by Arturo Ramierez, a sub-prominent Mexican artist hanging in your living room? or your study? or your bathroom? This 9" X 11" masterpiece of folk art is handpainted on tin to look old. In the picture, a peasant gives thanks to the Lady of the Lakes for saving him from a Martian. I obtained this great piece on a trip to Mexico with Mrs. U., but since I am not a Roman Catholic, I have some difficulty relating to the substance of this picture, spiffy as it is, in any real, meaningful way. Also, it doesn't really fit in with the rest of my decor. Please do not be dissuaded from buying this unusual painting by the completely inaccurate representation of a Martian. How much, you ask? Well, it must command a price commensurate with its beauty and novelty, so I offer it to you for only

$949.99 (Sold)

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